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i came across this post on one of my favorite blogs, violent acres - it summed up exactly how i’ve been feeling and what i’ve been thinking lately. the basic gist of it is that while being able to “choose our destiny,” or “choose the path that makes us happy,” or “follow our bliss” or “find our true calling” sounds like a great opportunity, it can really be quite maddening.

the author talks about how, when she became self-employed, she felt completely overwhelmed with the possibility that she could literally do WHATEVER SHE WANTED. that’s the american dream, but it’s also a debilitating feeling.

this is probably part of the reason why i’m trying to get another “real” job, as opposed to continuing along the freelancing road. i could take my freelancing in any direction i wanted and that’s part of the problem. i feel like i haven’t been very successful at creating direction for myself and honing my “business” into something i truly enjoy doing. it has, however, helped me figure out what i DON’T enjoy doing.

and maybe that counts for more than i think.

i tend to have super-vivid, somewhat realistic dreams about what’s actually going on in my waking life. last night i had a dream about this potential job i’m looking at - and it had what i would consider some crazy symbolism. i’m no pro at dream interpretation but i love looking at my dream life (since, like i said, they tend to be pretty realistic), my real life, and the symbols and themes that appear in my dreams to see what my subconscious is struggling with.

in this dream last night, i was going to visit my college friend who works at my possible place of future employment (she really does wok there) and talk to some people while i was there. on our way to … i’ll call it X … (creative, i know) i realized it was in this HUGE valley, surrounded by these high embankments and the road that led down to it was steep and scary. it was one constant switchback after another.

once we got there, i realized it was set up like a college campus, complete with dorm living, etc. i had to meet the people my old roommate currently lived with, then i was supposed to meet with a few people to talk about the potential job. i ended up waiting all “afternoon” for these people and only talking with them briefly before i woke up.

so, here’s my (and ryan’s) incredible insightful analysis:

“the company in the valley:”  my potential future place of employment is situated in a ravine because i’m afraid of getting trapped in one place - especially after the super-free lifestyle i’m living now

the road with the switchbacks: this wasn’t just a curvy, mountain road, this was a scarily “zig-zaggy” road! i think it symbolizes the different directions that i’ve taken in my life and career and the ways i’ve gotten to each. all could be leading me to this job, but this job could just be another “zig zag” on my path

the college campus and roommates: i’m pretty sure this is just a subconscious reference to my old roommate who works there, and who - although i know she loves me and LOVED living with me - has said she is so happy to be living by herself. i also mentioned this to her when she introduced me to her dream-roommates.

waiting to talk to people: i think this is a pretty obvious reference to my impatience and my fear that this whole thing could take a LONG time to progress.

i know, a little patience will probably do me good.

so as i wrote a few posts back, lately i’ve been feeling the itch to do something new (i know, i know, as if traveling asia for nearly three months wasn’t good enough …). now, there’s a semi-opportunity arising and i’m finding it hard to remain neutral about it. a couple weeks ago i felt like yes, i wanted SOME sort of change but i wasn’t sure WHAT exactly - and i was kind of ambivilent about what it was, when it happened etc.

now, as this one opportunity has arisen and i continue to take steps toward it, i’m finding it hard to remain patient. this isn’t surprising to  me - it’s what i always do. i’m not a patient person, and when i “get a bee in my bonnet” (as my mom would say) about something, i want it to have happened YESTERDAY. i was - and still am - trying to ensure that doesn’t happen this time. that kind of mentality - while often motivational for me - has often led me to do things i’m less-than-thrilled about later on down the line. or things i realize i wasn’t that passionate about in the first place.

so for now, i want to remain happily dispassionate about the potential for a new opportunity (one i’ve actually looked forward to for much of my adult life, yet hadn’t seriously considered till now because i never felt the timing was right) until such a time when passion is justified and required. that doesn’t mean i want to be passive in pursuit of a dream, but rather that i don’t want to fall into the “over-eager” trap i’ve created for myself so many times before.

the good news is i’m at a time in my life where i truly would be happy either way. i’d be happy to go in this new direction, yet i’m also thrilled with the way i’m able to live my life now.

i need to remind myself of these things and stay in that “happy either way” spot until plans are cemented and decisions are made - which i know will be incredibly difficult for me!

i hate doing just about any thing “traditionally,” so i really need to figure out another time/way to reflect over the past year. i have a friend who does it on her birthday, which sounds like a good idea. but until i figure something better out, here’s my look back for 2007 in a handy, month-by-month guide.

January: Super stoked because i got an offer for a permanent position at my job, where i’d been on a month-to-month contract since September.  additionally, i started thinking about getting into a career in sociology.

February: applied to the School of Social work at the state college near me and started planning a trip to Pakistan to further explore the leanings i had toward social activism

March: birthday month - went and saw “Legally Blonde” before it hit Broadway

April: took on a field producing role at work and got to travel to L.A. to work with our hosts and director to film a special “salute to the troops” for memorial day weekend. definitely the highlight of that job! Also, found out my parents were moving abroad and decided to scrap my trip to Pakistan in favor for taking my vacation time to go and visit them overseas.

May: flew out to DC to be with the fam for the last time before my parents headed to their new assignment. took the red eye there and back and started thinking that living like that was lame - that if i WANTED to go see the people that were important to me, i should be able to - and not have to worry about it eating up my PTO

June: got accepted to grad school and decided i wasn’t THAT into the idea any more (i know, hello ADD). continued my search for consulting and telecommute jobs.

July: went back to see ryan’s parents for the first time since we’d moved away. also went to becky’s wedding while we were there. again, i only made it out for the weekend, further cementing my goal to stop working for  “the man!”

August:  whirlwind month! after being asked by my boss if i’d want to move to LA if my department moved (HELL to the NO!), ryan told me to go ahead and just quit my job. he quit his as well, and we found out my dad’s promotion would be at the end of the month. my parents flew us out for the ceremony and a week in tokyo!

September: first full month of consulting. ryan made more than twice what he made at his old job and i struggled to break even - at least we balanced eachother out! went to SLO to visit mike for a few days, then took a trip to cancun for ryan’s birthday so he could go diving.

October: spent 10 days on the west coast (i LOVE this telecommuting thing!) going to a family/friends reunion in the mountains of NC with ryan’s family. also visited paul and erin in atlanta.

November: managed to squeeze in an 8 day trip back to see ryan’s family for thanksgiving - his grandparents and great-grandfather were also visiting. ryan hung out with highschool friends and i nearly died of boredom! (so glad we don’t live THERE any more!)

December: after returning from thanksgiving, we had two weeks to get everything in order for our 2 1/2 month trip to asia! we sublet our apartment, put our stuff in storage, packed a shit-ton of luggage and were on our way. christmas was in japan with the fam, and we spent new years’ in tokyo with my old roommate, tiffani, and her husband.

in keeping with the trend and our life choices, i’m sure 2008 will be crazy, too! and i just realized this reads like a bad christmas card, but i’m posting it anyway!

1) Where did you begin 2007?
i’m pretty sure it was at my parents’, playing speed scrabble. and no, i’m not kidding

4) How did you earn your money?
first from al gore, then from my consulting clients, and investments

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
naturally

7) Where did you go on vacations?
DC twice, tokyo, cancun, atlanta, NC, tokyo again.  weekend trips to LA, san luis, napa and monterey.

What did you purchase that was over $1000
a couple investment properties, my iBook, plane tickets, rent every month

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
Becky and Mark, Janelle and Jabar

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
no

12) Did you move anywhere?
NO!! probably one of the few years i can say that!

14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
i don’t like concerts, except when i know the band so i saw Scissors for Lefty.  and we saw Legally Blonde and Jersey Boys on Broadway, and a bunch of other off-broadway shows

15) Are you registered to vote?
um, yes

20) What has been your favorite moment?
the incredible freedom of being self-employed and able to travel anywhere the hell i want!

21) What’s something you learned about yourself?
i am sort of entrepreneurially minded

28) Best new hotspot?
hotspot? not so sure. my most favorite discovery? zazi’s cafe for sunday brunch. mmmmmm pumpkin pancakes

29) Best movie you saw this year?
Golden Compass and Harry Potter!!

30) Favorite gift of the year?
my parents flying us out to tokyo for the first time for my dad’s promotion

i started a travel blog to document our 2 1/2 month journey through asia - check it out at wedontbackpack.com.

my most recent post there is a little detour from the purpose of travel blogging, since i talked more about my AF experience after going to my dad’s christmas party last night.

check it out here.

I was doing a freelancing shift today at my local CBS affiliate (I get called in about once every week or two, which is perfect for me - not too much work, but keeps my foot in the door should I ever decide to return to TV) and I found out one of the producers is leaving to be an EP in South Carolina. No - I don’t want his job (that thought didn’t even cross my mind until now). Instead - I’m totally jealous of him. No again - I don’t want to live anywhere in South Carolina. What I mean is that I’m jealous of his life change - and I realized that I’m starting to feel like it’s time for a change of scenery for me. Don’t get me wrong, I still love where I am and what I do and what types of opportunities my lifestyle affords me, but I’m totally getting the itch.

 Ryan and I actually have been talking about what the next step in our lives will be and I’m getting excited for whatever is next. We don’t really have a specific plan, but it’s exciting for me to think that at this time next year I could be somewhere totally different, doing something totally different. While we’d love to go to another huge city, we’ve talked about going to a more medium-sized place (still hip and fun, of course - no colorado or kansas for us, natch!). Somewhere we could keep our standard of living - or upgrade! - and be able to save and invest a sh*t ton of money. (All part of our “financially free by 3o” plan!)

The beauty for us is that, since we’re self-employed and all our clients are virtual, our incomes won’t adjust to whatever area we move to. So if we move somewhere with a lower cost of living, we’ll be making the same we are now, and spending a LOT less! Not too bad, considering that I’d say we’re living pretty comfortably even with a super-high cost of living!

Like I said, I’d ideally want to live in another really big city, but I don’t want to downgrade my lifestyle at this point - and our dream places are all more expensive than where we are now.  We decided our dream cities are the places we’d like to end up one day, after we’ve established ourselves, maybe gone to grad school, have a larger investment empire, and are financially free.

In the meantime, we’re going to Asia for three months, so I guess that will have to serve as diversion enough :-D 

ps- i found this adorable (dog friendly!) apartment in downtown Austin. I’m ready to upgrade!

ok, i wrote a post similar to this, not that long ago, but i’ve been doing a lot of digging into military culture, military brat culture, the way military childhood affected me and others in preparation for what I hope will one day be some sort of book. but that’s not what i want to talk about now.

in the course of poking around on the internet, i found a forum where brats were talking about what it meant to grow up military. one comment in particular totally nailed down how i’ve been feeling lately:

  “I think the experience of finally “settling down” sometimes feels like “settling”, a betrayal of that particular survival instinct that never accepts stasis as a reality … Time displacement lurks in the corners of our souls, and the present tense of our lives is really a rehersal for some mysterious future tense. We have to learn to relax and let our present be our present tense, if that is possible.”

The first line is especially profound for me - one of my greatest fears in life is to wake up one day, five or ten years down the road, and realize i’ve “settled” for a life i didn’t want for myself.  so to counteract this, i do crazy things like start planning another move after i’ve only been in a city for six months, or switch jobs every year or so, or try to travel one week out of every month, or go live in asia for 2 1/2 months.

I also have an impossible time letting the present be the present. for as long as i can remember, i’ve been planning the next stage of my life - which goes back to being afraid of “settling.”  When i was in high school, i planned for college (applied early and got accepted my junior year, actually), when i was in college i rushed through to get married (finished in 2 1/2 years), after i got married, i started racing through cities, jobs, endeavors, ideas. 

for example i’ve always enjoyed writing, but i’ve never felt like i’ve found a specific “passion” on which to hinge my propensity for words. At first it was TV reporting, then it was TV producing, then it was cable TV. Throw in a mix of newspaper writing, PR, even some social minded endeavours and you get a good snap shot of the past few years.

i’m not sure i know how exactly, but i’m pretty confident that my inability to settle has something to do with my propensity to always be searching - whether that be for my passion, a job, a new place to live.

one of the posts on this forum was written by a guy who’s compiling info for a book of his own on what he says is the “sad legacy” of brats. on this point, i have to disagree. It’s true that i can explain a lot of my flaws and shortcomings by looking to how i was raised. (but isn’t that true of any introspective 20-something?) But i also have my upbringing to thank for some of the things i’m most proud of about myself, for some of my greatest relationships - most importantly the one with my family, and some of the most amazing experiences a person could want.

i’m not talking about some weird cult or compound or religion. i’m talking about the military community and why i think i feel differently than most other people when six fighter jets soar over the city as a part of fleet week.

living where i do, there’s always a significant amount of protest and discourse over anything military related, and fleet week means guarenteed controversy. in spite of that, there’s still a huge turn out, and to me it means a surge of patriotism.

i can’t explain it - it’s a sense of awe, a sense of pride in the idea of America. but i think what sets it apart for me is the first hand sense of sacrifice the people in those planes have had to make.  i don’t think i’m a better American or a better person - or even that i know exactly what those pilots and their families have been thru (they weren’t always just performing for fun and entertainment). as a military family, we’ve been relatively lucky. dad’s never been on the front lines. there’s been a sense of insecurity and danger at times, but as a family we’ve never been seperated because of a deployment for longer than four months or so.

i’m a member of the civilian world now - no longer my dad’s dependant, ryan’s only attachment is to the ready reserves - but i will always be military at heart. i will always have a place in my heart and my life for good ol’ fashioned american pride. for individuals and families who serve us in ways we often can’t see.
i don’t think i’m above anyone because six jets flying on the city skyline brings tears to my eyes - or because i’m getting a little misty as i write this now. i’m not more patriotic because when i stand with my family and sing the national anthem, i’m usually standing next to my dad in uniform.  i’m not saying i’m a better american because i moved from base to base every two years.

but i am a part of a community that relatively few belong to and relatively few understand - a community that will always be there for me.  i don’t have a hometown, or a place that i’m “from.” i don’t have many “friends from my childhood” and i don’t have roots.  but i have a community.

so as i said, i’ve been musing to myself for the past few months, about what my job has become and where i wanted to go from here (which was how i got to the freelance thing). i mentioned i was going to start posting some stuff about my internal struggle and observations once i actually left my job. Well, i am a few days shy of my last day but i decided to start posting away anyway. i guess you could say i’m bitter and i really just don’t care any more.  any respect and love that i still had for this company (in spite of deciding it just wasn’t for me) is pretty much gone after this week.

Before i go on, that’s not to say i don’t love the *idea* of Current TV, because i do. it drew me in a year ago when i was burnt out from network news and i believed in the vision of making a product that people in my age group will love and identify with. something made by them, something that discusses things they care about, something vastly different from anything else out there.  and i still believe in that.  i believe that’s the vision of our wonderful chairman and CEO, both of whom i still have the utmost respect for.  but i believe the company is ruining a good thing but how they treat their people.  you can’t keep truly good people if you treat them poorly, and you can’t keep a good product without good people.

That being said, here goes.  something we’ve been assured over and over wouldn’t happen, is happening.  we’re moving to LA. not our whole company (not yet, though i’m sure that’s the eventual plan), but for now, my department.  now in all actuality, i shouldn’t care less b/c i’m leaving anyway and this just further validates my decision.  aside from the fact i’ve heard several times, straight from my bosses’ (and even our CEO’s) mouth that we will not be moving, here it is. this has been a bone of contention with in the company for as long as i’ve been here. about half of the people moved up from LA to take their jobs here, and have been bitter about it ever since. a lot of those people are managers and so, i think, have been trying to do something about it from day one.

it’s not just that they’re going back on their word. it goes so far beyond that. they’re moving the department in three weeks.  that’s not even long enough to give notice in your apartment here, if you were to decide to leave - on the off chance you were on a month-to-month lease (and not like me, who has a lease until January)!  they’re volunteering several thousand in re-location expenses, but that’s still unrealistic. and how can you find a place you’ll know you want to live in, in three weeks (while you’re working full time, 700 miles away)?  they’re not offering corporate housing, raises, bonuses, promotions - no incentives. basically it’s “decide in three weeks to change your ENTIRE life, with absolutely no benefit, or be without a job.”

now, if that were *truly* the case, they’d be obligated to pay some sort of severance. but if the above is any guide, i’m almost certain that won’t happen. they’ll find some shit job to give to the people who decide not to go, so when they turn it down,  the company won’t owe then anything. sure, it’s legal, but really, really awful.

and the other thing - two of the girls in my department have been here almost since day one.  they’ve gone two years without promotions, raises, incentives, anything (b/c apparently that’s how this place rewards you for a job well done). They’re two of the people who have been here the longest and worked the hardest - and the company would rather SEE THEM GO (and not have any safety net - three weeks isn’t enough to find another job!) than offer them anything in return for their potential sacrifice in uprooting themselves to move for a job.  not only is that bad PR, and bad employee relations, that’s bad business!  how much will it cost to search for new people and train them? not to mention there will be HUGE downtime in the department b/c we’ll all be gone and unable to train, answer questions, etc. how is that a better situation?

this is all obviously really, unbelievably crappy, but the other thing that makes me sad is that this company is so young, has so many great people working for it, has so much creativity - it could really be something amazing. and maybe in spite of it all, it will be.  but even now, when i talk about this station to other people in the news biz who live in the area, *they* mention how they’ve already heard the very things i’m complaining about here.  the word is already getting out.  and it’s sad, b/c not many people know about Current - it’s not a household name yet.  but if it is, in some cases, it already has a negative stigma attached to it.  And that’s really sad - as a company, it could be anything it wanted to be. there’s no bureaucracy to answer to, no red tape yet.

while i will always maintain that Current is a good idea, i will never encourage people to work here, watch it, or contribute.  true, i am only one person and i’m not on any type of crusade - it just bums me out to know the station could be awesome - but instead, through their actions and decisions, they’re choosing to be something very different.